On the jet, returning home from a week of vacation to Disney World in Orlando, FL, and with nothing else to occupy my mind I can’t seem to stifle the thoughts arising about some observations I made during the week. Seriously, it was a great vacation with the family and I have no complaints but I enjoy the dark humor found in cynicism.
I used to have real difficulty with crowds but over the years I have come to accept the inevitability of such and with help from a coping mechanism that I probably share with others. As a park gets busier and becomes one big ride called “bumper pedestrians” I prefer to become an observer rather than a participant. Basically, I find a place to stand or sit where I will not be swept along with the current of the crowd. While motionless in this eddy I focus my thoughts on watching people through a lens of sarcasm and satire. Many of the thoughts that occur to me cannot be revealed or I would be accused of intolerance and hate speech. With no intention of offending anyone I’d just like to throw some of these thoughts out there in whatever order they come to mind.
Theme Parks
First off and no joke let me say that my favorite ride is “Tower of Terror” at Hollywood Studios and I think my daughters would agree!
Though I purposefully avoided news and politics for the week, I was reminded of Harry Reid’s comments about smelly tourists in the DC Capitol Visitor’s Center when standing in closely packed lines, inhaling exhalations, sharing odors and the occasional mingling of sweat when accidentally but unavoidably making skin contact with strangers. Any bets as to whether the bacterial layer on every grippable surface in the park is as thick or thicker than the paint layer? I would feel better protected if the ride operators would wipe each seat with disinfectant after each run, but if that is too difficult how about a seat protector dispenser at the load station for any germophobes. Oh hell, just stuff me in a HazMat suit and give me a permanent “Fast Pass” to every ride!
Sitting in the back row of a Pirates of the Caribbean boat and the selfish American tourist in the front row starts taking pictures with her flash on, ignoring the “no flash” reminders from others in the boat, demonstrating to her two children that it is perfectly OK to flout any rules intended to make the experience enjoyable for everyone so long as they get what they want. The husband sits silently, as oblivious or uncaring about his wife as she is about the rest of the riders, or maybe just totally p…whipped!
The American tourist was outdone by the Asian woman, an aunt or grandmother I think, who saw the two-ass-width space on the bench next to me as a diaper changing station. Seriously, my son and I were waiting in Toon Town for the girls and were fortunate to find a shaded bench on a very hot, very crowded afternoon. Like a rocket this woman charges across the courtyard, tosses her toddler up on the bench (at least I got heads), and practices the rite of public diaper change, with the breeze in my direction as codified in the corollaries of Murphy’s Law.
I’ll admit it is cute to see many little girls following parents through the park each dressed as one of Disney’s many princesses and enjoying the fantasy. But occasionally there is a “princess” that is not satisfied with the new costume and tiara, throwing a fit and demanding more, making the doting parents miserable as well as any adults within sight and hearing range. Not that I would ever do this but it would serve the brat right if I walked over and sternly said, “Little girl, none of this is real….and YOU. ARE. NOT. A. PRINCESS!”
Do some of you people drive the way you walk? Jeez, stopping in the middle of a moving crowd, merging or crossing traffic without looking, reading the park map while on the cell phone hurtling headlong with your infant stroller as a battering ram? After so many generations, wouldn’t evolution have given us eyes in the back of our head, rather than continuing the procreation of those morons intent on moving forward while staring fixedly behind them?
I feel sorry for the actors wearing fully enclosed costumes in 100 degree heat pretending to be as thrilled to be here as the person getting the picture and the signed autograph. I doubt the smile underneath matches the sardonic grin of the headpiece or that the cheerful voice matches the real tone of the walking sauna. And I truly hope multiple actors don’t have to share the same sweaty costume without some kind of “yuuck” compensation.
Now, when I see a person riding a mobility cart with a cigarette dangling from the mouth and an oxygen tube up a nostril, mumbling curses and blaming others for their self-induced state of ill health, I just hope that this wasn’t one of those government-subsidized mobility chairs hawked for “free” on television. On the upside, you can draft behind these people as they punch holes through static crowds.
And I’m almost certain that the 3D glasses on Buzz Lightyear’s rope-pulling ride I’m wearing weren’t cleaned between showings as my view is obscured by fingerprints on the left and what appears to be some kind of mucous on the right.
Water Parks
Great water parks at Disney World, Blizzard Beach and Typhoon Lagoon! Two days at the water parks reaffirmed my belief that wearing scanty swimsuits should just be made illegal for some people. Water parks and swimwear provide the perfect opportunity to observe the cruel effects of aging, childbirth, tattooing, sun exposure, unrestricted diet, botched surgeries, and gravity.This should be a perfect learning opportunity for children in the park if they weren’t so self-absorbed and easily distracted.
There are too many men (I’m going real easy on the ladies in this post) with stomachs resembling deployed airbags (my daughter calls these “frontal orbs”) just begging to be asked, “So, when are you due?” (I suspect people think I’m three months along.) And why do certain men stop with combing their head hair, when the back and chest are just screaming out for a day at the salon? (You know, I think this paragraph covers quite a few of the ladies I saw as well.)
Why do we seem perfectly OK roaming all over the park barefoot, walking the sidewalks, climbing the stairs, standing in the same wet footprints of others, yet it seems so yucky when walking into the restroom/dressing area without some kind of foot protection.
Who thinks it is no big deal to take in a mouthful of chunky water from the wave pool, no matter how many tons of chlorine have been deployed?
Late afternoon attracts people to the “Lazy River”, essentially a slowly circulating moat, a slow-cooking stew of skin cells, sweat and hair, where the tube traffic becomes so crowded that it seems like we are floating in a stale bowl of milk-sogged Cheerios.
I could go on but I don’t want to spoil your future vacation plans. Disney World is a great family vacation experience. We will be going back!
….
OK, now I am pissed. The flight attendants skipped my row – no, just me – when dispensing drinks. Rather than complaining I prefer to remain silent, swearing that I will never again board this plane with these people. That’ll show ‘em!
OK, now I’m happy. On the second leg of the flight home and the new attendants fed and watered me as expected. Thank you, Delta!
PS. On this trip, the parks were filled with people of all colors, races, religions and I am sure other attributes that make us all different. In most cases, people were polite and just there to have a good time. This is how the parks should be run, accomodating all and not just certain groups as Disney does from time to time. The PR of setting aside days for specific classes of people is Disney’s right but I suggest you be aware of such days when planning your trip.
I say this because a couple of years ago, my family went to Disneyland for a quick trip. On the single day planned for the Magic Kingdom, we initially didn’t realize why so many people dressed in red. It struck me when I saw two girls standing arm in arm, and one of their shirts was printed in bold letters “Vagitarian”. I had no problem with Gay Day at the park but explaining such a term to my nine year old shouldn’t be necessary. And during this recent week in Disney World I saw no overt displays of sexual preference that required interpretation for a child, as it should be in such a family setting. In fact, I wrote a limerick about this event.
Swarming the park dressed in red,
Disney accommodated.
Pronounced it “Gay Day”.
Be forewarned, stay away.
If Walt were alive, he’d drop dead!

On the jet, returning home from a week of vacation to Disney World in Orlando, FL, and with nothing else to occupy my mind I can’t seem to stifle the thoughts arising about some observations I made during the week. Seriously, it was a great vacation with the family and I have no complaints but I enjoy the dark humor found in cynicism.

I used to have real difficulty with crowds but over the years I have come to accept the inevitability of such and with help from a coping mechanism that I probably share with others. As a park gets busier and becomes one big ride called “bumper pedestrians” I prefer to become an observer rather than a participant. Basically, I find a place to stand or sit where I will not be swept along with the current of the crowd. While motionless in this eddy I focus my thoughts on watching people through a lens of sarcasm and satire. Many of the thoughts that occur to me cannot be revealed or I would be accused of intolerance and hate speech. With no intention of offending anyone I’d just like to throw some of these thoughts out there in whatever order they come to mind.

Theme Parks

First off and no joke let me say that my favorite ride is “Tower of Terror” at Hollywood Studios and I think my daughters would agree!

Though I purposefully avoided news and politics for the week, I was reminded of Harry Reid’s comments about smelly tourists in the DC Capitol Visitor’s Center when standing in closely packed lines, inhaling exhalations, sharing odors and the occasional mingling of sweat when accidentally but unavoidably making skin contact with strangers. Any bets as to whether the bacterial layer on every grippable surface in the park is as thick or thicker than the paint layer? I would feel better protected if the ride operators would wipe each seat with disinfectant after each run, but if that is too difficult how about a seat protector dispenser at the load station for any germophobes. Oh hell, just stuff me in a HazMat suit and give me a permanent “Fast Pass” to every ride!

Sitting in the back row of a Pirates of the Caribbean boat and the selfish American tourist in the front row starts taking pictures with her flash on, ignoring the “no flash” reminders from others in the boat, demonstrating to her two children that it is perfectly OK to flout any rules intended to make the experience enjoyable for everyone so long as they get what they want. The husband sits silently, as oblivious or uncaring about his wife as she is about the rest of the riders, or maybe just totally p…whipped!

The American tourist was outdone by the Asian woman, an aunt or grandmother I think, who saw the two-ass-width space on the bench next to me as a diaper changing station. Seriously, my son and I were waiting in Toon Town for the girls and were fortunate to find a shaded bench on a very hot, very crowded afternoon. Like a rocket this woman charges across the courtyard, tosses her toddler up on the bench (at least I got heads), and practices the rite of public diaper change, with the breeze in my direction as codified in the corollaries of Murphy’s Law.

I’ll admit it is cute to see many little girls following parents through the park each dressed as one of Disney’s many princesses and enjoying the fantasy. But occasionally there is a “princess” that is not satisfied with the new costume and tiara, throwing a fit and demanding more, making the doting parents miserable as well as any adults within sight and hearing range. Not that I would ever do this but it would serve the brat right if I walked over and sternly said, “Little girl, none of this is real….and YOU. ARE. NOT. A. PRINCESS!”

Do some of you people drive the way you walk? Jeez, stopping in the middle of a moving crowd, merging or crossing traffic without looking, reading the park map while on the cell phone hurtling headlong with your infant stroller as a battering ram? After so many generations, wouldn’t evolution have given us eyes in the back of our head, rather than continuing the procreation of those morons intent on moving forward while staring fixedly behind them?

I feel sorry for the actors wearing fully enclosed costumes in 100 degree heat pretending to be as thrilled to be here as the person getting the picture and the signed autograph. I doubt the smile underneath matches the sardonic grin of the headpiece or that the cheerful voice matches the real tone of the walking sauna. And I truly hope multiple actors don’t have to share the same sweaty costume without some kind of “yuuck” compensation.

Now, when I see a person riding a mobility cart with a cigarette dangling from the mouth and an oxygen tube up a nostril, mumbling curses and blaming others for their self-induced state of ill health, I just hope that this wasn’t one of those government-subsidized mobility chairs hawked for “free” on television. On the upside, you can draft behind these people as they punch holes through static crowds.

And I’m almost certain that the 3D glasses on Buzz Lightyear’s rope-pulling ride I’m wearing weren’t cleaned between showings as my view is obscured by fingerprints on the left and what appears to be some kind of mucous on the right.

Water Parks

Great water parks at Disney World, Blizzard Beach and Typhoon Lagoon! Two days at the water parks reaffirmed my belief that wearing scanty swimsuits should just be made illegal for some people. Water parks and swimwear provide the perfect opportunity to observe the cruel effects of aging, childbirth, tattooing, sun exposure, unrestricted diet, botched surgeries, and gravity.This should be a perfect learning opportunity for children in the park if they weren’t so self-absorbed and easily distracted.

There are too many men (I’m going real easy on the ladies in this post) with stomachs resembling deployed airbags (my daughter calls these “frontal orbs”) just begging to be asked, “So, when are you due?” (I suspect people think I’m three months along.) And why do certain men stop with combing their head hair, when the back and chest are just screaming out for a day at the salon? (You know, I think this paragraph covers quite a few of the ladies I saw as well.)

Why do we seem perfectly OK roaming all over the park barefoot, walking the sidewalks, climbing the stairs, standing in the same wet footprints of others, yet it seems so yucky when walking into the restroom/dressing area without some kind of foot protection.

Who thinks it is no big deal to take in a mouthful of chunky water from the wave pool, no matter how many tons of chlorine have been deployed?

Late afternoon attracts people to the “Lazy River”, essentially a slowly circulating moat, a slow-cooking stew of skin cells, sweat and hair, where the tube traffic becomes so crowded that it seems like we are floating in a stale bowl of milk-sogged Cheerios.

I could go on but I don’t want to spoil your future vacation plans. Disney World is a great family vacation experience. We will be going back!

….

OK, now I am pissed. The flight attendants skipped my row – no, just me – when dispensing drinks. Rather than complaining I prefer to remain silent, swearing that I will never again board this plane with these people. That’ll show ‘em!

OK, now I’m happy. On the second leg of the flight home and the new attendants fed and watered me as expected. Thank you, Delta!

PS – On this trip, the parks were filled with people of all colors, races, religions and I am sure other attributes that make us all different. In most cases, people were polite and just there to have a good time. This is how the parks should be run, accomodating all and not just certain groups as Disney does from time to time. The PR of setting aside days for specific classes of people is Disney’s right but I suggest you be aware of such days when planning your trip.

I say this because a couple of years ago, my family went to Disneyland for a quick trip. On the single day planned for the Magic Kingdom, we initially didn’t realize why so many people dressed in red. It struck me when I saw two girls standing arm in arm, and one of their shirts was printed in bold letters “Vagitarian”. I had no problem with Gay Day at the park but explaining such a term to my nine year old shouldn’t be necessary. And during this recent week in Disney World I saw no overt displays of sexual preference that required interpretation for a child, as it should be in such a family setting. In fact, I wrote a limerick about this event.

Swarming the park dressed in red,

Disney accommodated.

Pronounced it “Gay Day”.

Be forewarned, stay away.

If Walt were alive, he’d drop dead!

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